


Into the Light

by crazyinfj



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, And they get hugs, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because I’m not evil-like some people-looks at Russos, Bucky Barnes & Winter Soldier are Different Personalities, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Tony Stark, Hydra infiltrated SHIELD, If these insecure idiots actually talked...we wouldn’t be here..., It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Oh my god so much angst, Questionable therapy, Secret Identity, Secret Job Au, Spy trope, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, as in the therapist is evil, is that a thing?, secrets come to light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:15:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26333938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyinfj/pseuds/crazyinfj
Summary: Tony and Bucky are married, but work for SHIELD as spies. They just don’t know that the other also works at SHIELD.Only...things go wrong when they are “set up” on a mission neither of them is supposed to know the others is on.How many lies can one relationship be built on? Bucky and Tony certainly tested the limits. But if they fight for their relationship, they have a chance to built it better than before.
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81





	Into the Light

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Eylle9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eylle9/gifts).



> So this was written because I watched an ep of Monk (USA) where Monk and his assistant had to go undercover as a married couple for marriage therapy. And I was like, this would fit winteriron well. And here we are. 
> 
> I erased Bucky’s backstory for the sake of plot, so in this fic he’s a traumatized POW, who lost an arm to hydra, but only was a POW for five years. The Winter Soldier is his separate personality. Avengers exist as a group of spies. 
> 
> I’m not a counselor, so the counseling in this is kinda iffy. I go to a counselor but it’s like super chill, and so, um, plz don’t overthink it? It’s basically crack treated seriously.
> 
> Also, give a huge Happy Birthday to [Eylle9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eylle9) my best friend who deserves all the love. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GIRL YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

“So I’m supposed to go in, act like I’m married to some person, seeking marriage therapy for our various martial problems, but you’re not going to tell me who I’m supposed to be married to?” Tony fired at Coulson, who didn’t even blink an eye.

“Yes. We’re hoping that a friction will come from not knowing each other, and in that case, you will act like a feuding married couple.” Natasha leaned in, and raised an eyebrow. “Think you can do that Stark?”

Instead of responding to Natasha’s challenge, Tony turned to Fury again. “Does my “partner” even know about the mission? I mean come on, I know that seeing a shrink couldn’t be the worse thing in my life, but how are we supposed to pull this off without even meeting each other first?”

“You’re a good enough actor, figure it out.” Clint jabbed at Tony. “Besides, trust me, you both are in dire need of therapy. You two are like PTSD generators, not to mention you both have terrible sleep patterns.”

Tony swiveled on his feet so he was facing Clint. “You know who it is and I don’t get to? Oh come on! For the love of God!”

“It’s only a week, Stark, we wouldn’t have put you on the mission if we didn’t think you were the best for it.” Natasha growled, clearly getting fed up by his obnoxious whining.

“Nat, I know I’m the best, but I don’t do partner work. I work best alone. And hell, everyone in the Western Hemisphere knows I am incapable of sustaining a relationship, so why would people even buy this?” 

“Because you two are struggling to keep your relationship underwraps, and that is straining your relationship.” Clint coolly explained, and tossed the manilla envelope to Tony. “It’s all in there, and if it makes you feel better, Natasha and Bruce helped arrange the mission.” 

“Great, wonder couple did it, that makes me feel so much better.” Tony deadpanned, and Clint shrugged. 

“At least it was written by a couple, not lonely forever single Steve.” 

Steve was clearly offended and gave Clint a look that could level the entire room. “I was in a relationship before you were even born Barton.”

“And that relationship ended before I was born.” Clint pointed out, earning a slap on the back of the head from Natasha, and a warning glare from Coulson. The glare from Clint’s husband probably did more than Natasha’s slap, but it couldn’t make Clint wipe the smirk off his face. 

“And on that lovely note, I will be leaving. After all, I do have a job to do beyond doing all the dirty work for SHIELD. Tootles!” Tony left, and made it a point _not_ to grab the folder. 

But by the time Tony got to his car, the folder was laying open in the passenger seat, clearly left by Natasha, judging by her semi-threatening note.

_Tony,_

_This is payback for every time you’ve made fun of Bruce and I, time to find your own special someone!_

_Love you,_  
_Nat_

\--

“Everything okay doll?” Bucky drawled, as Tony flopped on the couch, Bucky by the microwave heating up some of the takeout they had ordered last night. 

“Yeah, just work. People don’t know when to shut up.” 

“Anyone I need to beat up?” Bucky's voice became a little bit darker, something that never failed to make Tony fall in love with him all over again. Nobody protected him like Bucky, and he had never let himself believe someone could love him again, until Bucky.

The fact that Bucky had stayed, after three years of marriage still amazed Tony. And it made him feel guilty for having to hide the fact that he worked for SHIELD. He convinced himself though, that it was all to protect Bucky. He had too many enemies. At least, that’s what he told himself so he could sleep at night. 

“I can hear you thinking doll. Come here.” Bucky made grabby arms at Tony, who leaned into Bucky happily. “What’s going through that complicated brain of yours?” 

Tony hated lying to Bucky, he hated that their relationship was still a secret, and that they couldn’t be seen out in public. But he would do it, because he loved Bucky too much to not do it. 

“I’ve got to fly out tomorrow for SI meeting in some godawful place.” 

“Hmmm, and where might this ‘godawful’ place be?” Bucky hummed, running his metal hand through Tony’s soft hair. 

“Didn’t pay attention.” Tony lied easily, and he hated it, but that wasn’t even the worse part. He had to warn Bucky that he might be seen with someone. Stupid SHIELD. Stupid mission. 

“It’s okay Tony, we’ll still talk every day.” 

Tony felt like throwing up. Now he had to lie even more, and that wasn’t fair to Bucky, “The board thinks it would make appearances better if I, um, was in a relationship. They’ve picked someone out for me already.” 

“Who darlin’?” Bucky’s voice was even, but Tony could sense the tension in his husband’s shoulders. Bucky was amazing, and understood that SI work made Tony busy beyond belief, but the man was possessive as hell. And honestly? Tony loved that. 

“They won’t tell me.” At least that part was true. Tony didn’t really know. But that didn’t help reassure Bucky, whose eyes became darker by the minute. 

“If you’re not okay with it I’ll make something up, I can-“ Tony was quick to start, but Bucky cut him off. 

“It’s okay darling. I know, I should’ve expected something like this to come up.” 

Bucky sounded so dejected and Tony just wanted to hold his husband, to promise that this person would not come between them, but he didn’t even know who the hell this person was. And if Natasha got her way, they’d be a couple by the end of the week. Fuck SHIELD. 

“Bucky, please you gotta understand I didn’t-“ 

“I know Tony.” Bucky looked small in the doorpost, and Tony tried reaching for him but he flinched away. “I just, I need to clear my head.” 

“Okay.” Tony said pathetically, and watched as Bucky grabbed his coat and walked out the door. It seemed so finalized, as if that was Bucky’s way of saying goodbye. 

“Jarvis, monitor Bucky. Tell me if something happens.”

“Of course sir. I will alert you if any peticulars should arise. Now I must insist you start packing if you are going to be ready for your mission tomorrow.” 

Mission. Right. The mission that might’ve just caused Bucky to walk out on him. That mission. 

With blurred eyes, Tony began throwing anything and everything into his suitcase. He didn’t really care what he added in. He was supposed to look like he was having marital problems. Well thanks to SHIELD, he was. 

—

Bucky was shattered. He knew that Tony and him were still a secret, to everyone except Pepper Potts and Rhodey. Logically he knew that Tony likely had no control over the board’s decision, he knew that Tony was in love with him. But that didn’t stop the aching in his chest.

Part of it was his fault. He had convinced Tony to keep their relationship a secret for Tony’s own safety, to keep him safe from his enemies that came with the job of being a spy. That didn’t make it any easier to bear the pain. Tony was going to meet this good looking guy or girl, it didn’t really matter, as Tony swung both ways, he was going to realize that whoever that person was, they could give him so much better than Bucky, a disabled soldier with so many skeletons in the closet. 

Still, a small part of Bucky was relieved to know that Tony was gone for the week. He had a mission that he had no idea how to make up an excuse for and was pretty sure the VA wouldn’t convince Tony. At least he wouldn’t have to lie again. And Steve wouldn’t give him that look of disapproval when Bucky got lost in thought, trying to think of a proper excuse to cancel plans with Tony and such. And the stupid Soldier wouldn’t keep shaking his head in disapproval as he dug his hole of lies deeper. Maybe it was good that the both of them would be gone at the same time. 

“Jarvis? Where’s Tony right now?”

“Sir is currently in the shower.”

“I’m coming back to the house, can you tell him?”

“Certainly, Sarge.” It was Jarvis’ little nickname for him, since Jarvis had winded up liking him almost five years ago. Since then, the nickname always made him smile. 

—

When he decided to go back to their house, it was almost ten at night. Bucky hadn’t realized how far he had wandered until he had to walk back, and realized that he would not be home for an hour or so. 

Bucky didn’t mind way too much, as it gave him a chance to write a script for him to follow as he came home. He knew Tony, and he knew his husband, without a doubt, would be blaming Bucky’s attitude on himself, and then digging a hole of absolute self hatred. 

“Tony?” Bucky whispered, approaching their bed with soft, nimble steps. It was bad, and Bucky immediately regretted everything he had done in the past few hours. Tony was so distraught that he had even gone to bed. He hadn’t hid away in his workshop or anything.

“Please say something.”

After a long ten seconds of agonizing silence, Bucky crawled into bed, stripping himself of his shirt and pants on the way. “Honey, please, just look at me.”

Finally, Tony shifted, and Bucky counted it as a win. Despite Tony’s caring personality, if he wanted to, he was completely able to shut down all attempts of communication, and Bucky had seen that firsthand multiple times. 

“I’ll be gone by the time you wake up. After we get back, we can arrange different-“

“No honey. No, that’s not-“ Bucky held in a sob and buried himself in Tony’s shoulder. “I love you, I was just so angry.”

“Stop it Bucky.”

Bucky stopped nuzzling Tony’s shoulder and stilled. “Stop what?”

“I can feel your anger.”

Bucky cursed under his breath, and then realized his mouth was right next to Tony’s ear. “Tony it’s not you-“

Tony sighed, “Let’s just not okay? I have to go in three hours. Let’s just, forget about it okay?”

Bucky nodded dumbly. Not very often was Tony good at emotions, but he had never been brushed off like this before. And he didn’t know what to make of it. Wordlessly, he turned on his side and tried to chase sleep, as elusive as that was. 

—

Silently, using his spy skills to his advantage, Tony slipped out of bed and grabbed his duffle bag and suitcase. Before he left, he risked a fleeting glance Bucky’s way. 

His husband’s face was usually on edge while he slept, a habit the war had taught him and that he’d never been able to shake. But tonight, in the dim light of the widows, Bucky’s face looked downright miserable. His face was distressed, and he was gripping his metal arm subconsciously. 

_I did that,_ Tony thought bitterly. It was probably good that he was leaving, so he wouldn’t hurt Bucky anymore. Maybe he’d even pick up a few marriage tips on his week long getaway. Either way, a selfish part of him was glad he wouldn’t be here when Bucky woke up, so he didn’t have to see the hurt in Bucky’s eyes. 

—

“Where’s my partner?” Tony asked Bruce again, as they parked in front of a large hotel. Gee, Bruce and Natasha had certainly not been using the element of subtlety. “Look I know you and Nat are romantic saps in private, even if you won’t say you are, but please tell me you didn’t order us the most expensive, private room in the hotel.”

Bruce shook his head. “SHIELD wouldn’t pay for it. But we got you a suite. It’s not bad. Nat and I even stayed in it before.”

“I do not need to hear about that. Keep it to yourself, greenbean.”

“I was going to.” Bruce rolled his eyes. “Unlike you, I don’t kiss and tell.”

Tony held himself back from wincing. Actually, he was so good at hiding his relationship, people thought that he shared every detail of his love life with them. If only they knew. 

“I’m glad you have domestic bliss and all that shit, but I’m okay alone, I go solo quite well.” Tony laughed, and then spotted a car pulling in. That looked like a SHIELD issued car. 

“That's your partner. See you later Tony.” Bruce pushed Tony out of the car, threw his bags on the curb, and then sped away. 

—

Natasha pulled up and picked Bucky up at SHIELD headquarters bright and early, at five am. 

“You look like shit, I thought I told you to sleep?”

“I don’t listen to you Romanoff.” Bucky flipped her off as soon as he slid into the front seat of the car. 

“I’m the one conducting this mission, you’re aware of that, aren’t you?”

“Technically Coulson’s in charge. And Bruce is also a part of it.”

“Bruce will go along with me if I give him enough...incentive.”

“Eww gross, I do not need to know.”

“What, your almost thirty year old virginity can’t handle a little innuendo?” 

“I’m not a virgin.” Bucky growled, and Natasha threw her hands up, and then placed them back on the wheel. 

“What got you all in a bad mood?”

Bucky didn’t answer and Natasha rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re still upset that we haven't told you about your partner. I promise you’ll get along like a house on fire.”

“In this case, is that really a good thing?”

“Good for the mission.”

They rode in silence for a long time, until Bucky couldn’t help but ask Natasha a question. He just made sure not to give a single extra detail. He shouldn’t be asking a super spy, but other than Clint, she was the only person he knew that was in a committed relationship and would give him sound advice. And there was no way he was asking Clint. 

Natasha arched an eyebrow, but kept her focus straight ahead. “I thought you didn’t know anyone outside of SHIELD.”

“Hard to believe, but beyond my job, I know a few people.” 

“Okay, well, I think first off, you gotta be honest and tell them why you got pissed. And then you gotta prove to them that you mean it.”

“That simple?”

“That simple.”

Suddenly Natasha took a sharp v turn and Bucky felt his stomach lurch. He hated driving with Natasha, she was the worst driver in all of SHIELD, reckless and with no self preservation whatsoever. 

“Here we are. See you!” Natasha threw Bucky’s bags on the sidewalk and zoomed away, the door still open from where Bucky had fallen out of the car. What the hell was Nat up to?

—

“Hi I’m here for room number 616?” Bucky grumbled, and the receptionist didn’t even look phased. 

“Your partner is already there. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out.” The man was so lifeless Bucky made a mental note not to need anything so that he wouldn’t have to bother the guy again. He looked like he was going to keel over in the booth. If Tony has been here-.

Bucky stopped his thoughts. Tony was not here, and he had to stop thinking about that. For right now, he had to focus on the mission, and meet his partner. 

Gathering his strength, he swiped his card through the door lock and was pleased to see that it opened with no trouble. But he should’ve known that when something easy happened it was followed by something very bad. 

—

“Tony?”

“Bucky?” 

They stared at each other from their spots, frozen in place. Each held the same question in their eyes, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Then in the next moment, their eyes shifted, and like the super spies they were rumored to be, they realized why the other was there. Almost in sync, their eyes widened, and they began sputtering. 

Tony was the first to gather his words, “No, you cannot be my partner. This is impossible. Did you follow me? Wait, no, Bruce was acting strange-I am going to blow up SHIELD.”

During his talk, Bucky spoke up, and began ranting. “You’ve got to be kidding. All this time you’ve been lying? How have you faked being a CEO? How much more have you been lying to me? Wait, did Nat know? Oh man, I am going to kill her” 

They both stopped after they had said their part and then Tony sighed, and in the most ungraceful manner possible, fell onto the bed. Looking up at the ceiling, he started talking. “So let’s get this clear, SHIELD sent you and me to go undercover as a married couple...and as a married couple we’ve built a relationship on lies and wow, Clint was right, I do need counseling.”

“How did you lie about SI? About the trips?” Bucky asked, still stuck in his spot, as if moving would physically burn him. 

“Pepper knew about SHIELD and she covered for me.”

Bucky made a strangled sound and Tony sat up, only to be met with a pair of devastated eyes. “Pepper, your PA, knows more about my husband than I do?”

If possible, Tony managed to make himself look smaller, and he avoided looking at Bucky as if the man was the sun, as if he would burn his eyes. “It was all to protect-“

“Bullshit.” Bucky growled, and watched as Tony flinched, but right now he was so angry, he couldn’t help himself. “You know damn well I can protect myself.”

On the bed, Tony let himself flinch before he, with all the confidence he could muster, put on his classic Tony Stark mask. It was one he hadn’t worn with Bucky in private for years, but he put it back on, and it was like an old friend.

“Why didn’t you say anything? It goes both ways Antarctica.”

He used nicknames as a distraction, Bucky knew that, and he knew that on no regular day would Tony call him Antarctica, causing him to remember falling off the train, in the cold. Bucky wanted to be angry, he wanted to yell. But yelling at Tony Stark was like yelling at a stone wall.

“I have enemies, ones who would love to see me dead.” Bucky’s cold detached voice said, and Tony’s eyes became narrower. 

“I guess we were both trying to protect each other.”

“I guess we were.” 

_Keep your head high, _Bucky thought as he moved his feet, one step at a time until he was in front of Tony. Gorgeous, sweet, loving Tony, who he had promised to love for the rest of his days. “I hope this won’t interfere with our mission.”__

____

____

Tony straightened, as if he had just sat on something too sharp. “Of course not.”

—

They managed to avoid each other for two hours, and then they made their way across town to a small office building where they would be attending their counseling session. 

“So, about this shrink?” Tony braved, hoping his voice was not as shaky as he felt. 

Bucky didn’t look and kept walking towards the building. “Said to be running an Underground Railroad system for fugitives, we’re gonna find out if that’s true.”

“That’s all we’re doing?” Tony scoffed. 

“And if it is true, we’re gonna shut it down.”

The rest of the short walk was covered in a heavy silence. Tony didn’t dare speak again, and Bucky was in no mood to start a conversation when he knew that he would not be able to keep himself in constant check. 

Walking in, they were immediately greeted by a lady of middle age, dressed in a linen jumpsuit. From first appearance, she didn’t look like she was capable of harboring evil villains, but then again, Tony thought, he just found out his husband was a super spy. He wasn’t too proud of his ability to read people at the moment. 

“You must be Tony and Bucky Stark. I’m Karla Sofen, and I’ll admit, I was not prepared to have an actual celebrity in my office.”

Tony just smiled, a fake one which dazzled the press, and handed her a piece of paper. “I had my assistant write up an NDA, if you’ll sign it we’ll continue.”

“Of course!” Karla smiled, a genuine one by the look of it. “Let’s get down to business. So tell me, to start off our meeting, let’s talk about when you both first knew that you were going to marry each other. Anyone wanna go first?”

There was a silence until Tony, who never liked silence to begin with, started talking. “We started dating in July, my buddy Rhodey introduced us at a gala, where Bucky was with one of his friends. I of course, flirted, and pretty soon I got his number. I didn’t think anything was serious until about November, when Bucky got into a subway fight in my honor. Then I realized he was kinda serious.” Tony shrugged. “Nobody but Pepper and Rhodey had ever fought for me. That’s when I knew.” 

“And you?” Karla asked, and Bucky looked hesitant at her before closing his eyes and bringing her back.

“My buddy Sam knew Rhodey, and he had told me all about Tony, who always got Rhodey care packages with exotic coffee and dumb little robot cards with glitter. So I mean, before I even met him I knew that he was different than how the media portrayed him. Fifth date, August 28, we were gonna go have a picnic in the park, but then it started pouring. I was at Tony’s house, going to pick him up like a gentleman, so instead of going anywhere we stayed in and he showed me his workshop. I met Dum-e that day. The moment I saw the bot, and the way Tony loved him, I knew there was no going back.” 

“And tell me, when did things start to become more strained between you two?” 

“He’s been lying about all the details of his job, not sleeping on a healthy timetable, runs on nothing but caffeine, and is pushing me away.” Bucky said, without hesitation. He pretended not to see Tony inch away from him. 

“And you, Tony?”

Tony still had his glasses on, so Bucky couldn’t read him, but he could tell Tony wanted to be anywhere but there. “It’s true I lied about my job. I hold down two jobs, one being CEO and I also have a highly classified government job, I hope you’ll understand why I can’t go into more detail. I do run on too much caffeine, I don’t sleep, I because of my second job, I’ve been busy. I’ve probably been pushing him away.”

“Thank you Tony, that was very reflective. But all you’ve done is criticize yourself. Are there any issues you have with Bucky?”

“We found out we worked at the same organization.” Tony blurted, and then looked down fast enough to get whiplash. “I didn’t tell him, he didn’t tell me, partly because we’re not supposed to talk about our jobs, but...it’s become an issue.”

“Is there anything else?”

“Sometimes my AI likes him more than me, and sometimes he’s annoying and makes me eat, but no. He’s Bucky.” Tony shrugged, and Karla nodded, as if she understood what he was saying. Bucky hoped so, as he didn’t understand what that meant at all. 

“So let’s start with a small thing, for practice. Okay, Bucky, you mentioned that Tony runs on caffeine, too much so to be healthy. Let’s talk more about this.”

“I’m a genius, but even I need fuel, and caffeine is the fuel of all things amazing.”

“But it’s not healthy.” Bucky argued, and Tony rolled his eyes.

“I’ve been drinking it since middle school. It hasn’t killed me yet.”

“Someday it will! You’re always going into things without thinking and-“

“You do too Bucky! Need I remind you about the time when you almost jumped out the window on a fucking dare? It was a dare!” Tony yelled, and then lowered his voice, reverting back to shrinking away, as if he expected to be slapped. Given his history, it wouldn’t be too surprising if that was what he was preparing for. “But Rhodey’s told me it’s an addiction too. I can ease off of it. It’d be hard but I-“

“Let’s stop here. Marriage counseling is about working together to solve an issue, not about self sacrifice and suffering. This is about working in unity to achieve goals. How could you limit your caffeine intake together?”

It was silent until Bucky spoke up. “I could install a fingerprint lock on the coffee machines so Tony can’t use them unless I agree.” 

“That’s not fair! What about when you’re at work?”

“Don’t drink?” Bucky shrugged, and Tony shook his head. 

“That’s like unplugging me from my life machine!”

“What is one thing Tony does not like you doing?” Karla asked, a gleam in her eyes that Bucky immediately interpreted.

“Me pleasuring myself without letting him join.” Bucky smirked, and Tony was able to give a small sheepish smile. It was true, sometimes Bucky enjoyed just watching his husband fall apart as he pleasured himself. 

“Okay, so that’s something!” Karla didn’t look the least bit ashamed to be talking about sex of all things, and she even seemed like this was the most successful way to limit caffeine. “What if, for every cup of coffee, that’s a minute that Tony does not get to join?”

“That’s an idea.” Bucky hummed, and Tony groaned. “And Jarvis would make sure Tony’s being completely honest about how many refills he’s had.”

“No! Are you planning torturing me Bucky?” Tony interjected, and Bucky only gave him a satisfied grin.

“You drink what, ten cups a day? That’s ten minutes of showing off I plan to do.” 

“No! This isn’t fair!” Tony whined, but seeing that it was a lost battle, sat back down, huffing.

“Okay, now that we have that covered, we still have twenty minutes left. Tell me, what are you guys going to do today that’s special, out of the ordinary? To start closing the gap between you?”

“A romantic dinner?” Bucky considered, and then corrected himself. “No, I’ll probably take him to the observatory I heard about. He likes astronomy.” 

His voice was soft and Tony couldn’t help but relax a little. They could do this, everything could be better, they just had some work to do. Luckily, neither of them were against a little elbow grease. 

“That sounds delightful! Tony, what are your plans?”

“I’m not much of a romantic,” Tony suddenly looked highly uncomfortable, and the glasses he had taken off were immediately put back on his face. “Bucky’s better at those types of things.”

“It doesn’t have to be a big gesture, even a little one can go a long way.” Karla reassured, but that didn’t stop Tony from frowning. 

“The last time I did a romantic gesture I fucked it up. I bought my ex a bunny. Floor of ceiling bunny. She made me return it. I’m not good at romantic gestures.”

“So maybe a giant bunny is not the way to go. What about a small stuffed animal? One that can fit into a regular sized bag?”

Tony turned to Bucky hesitatingly, “Would you even want a stuffed animal?”

Bucky nodded, dead serious. He knew Tony was bad at romantic gestures, and he tended to be the one planning spontaneous evenings out and giving small little tokens of affection. He wouldn’t mind the same treatment for himself, and he certainly wouldn’t be against it. 

“I would love a stuffed animal doll. Maybe someday you can win one for me at a carnival.”

“Those are rigged.” Tony blurted, before he could stop himself.

“Small gestures like that can remind each other that you still love them just as much, or dare I say, more than when you first got together.”

“I guess I-“ Tony stopped abruptly and Karla motioned for him to go on. Tony shook his head though. “That’s for another day. Oh look at the time, I don’t wanna keep your other clients waiting. Thank you Karla!”

Tony practically fled the room, and Bucky gave a confused look to Karla who only smiled in his direction. “Maybe you should bring that up at some point.” 

“Yeah I should. Thank you. See you again?”

“Tomorrow, same time, I’ll be right here waiting. Also, tomorrow, wear nice clothing. I’m taking you guys out.”

“Oh?”

“Yes!”

—

“The building is too big.” Tony spoke, as soon as he and Bucky had left the office. 

“I thought the room was rather small.”

“No, the building itself. Her office room is small, she has a reasonable size bathroom, and a regular kitchen. What’s the rest of the house being used for?”

“Guess we’ll find out tomorrow.” Bucky grabbed his keys. ”We got to report to Coulson and then we’ve got the day off.”

Tony smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. A stupid part of him had thought that going to a shrink would magically make things better, but he knew that was completely unrealistic. Still, that’s what he had been hoping. 

“Hey Tony?” Bucky breached the conversation carefully, “Why did you freeze up?”

Tony knew what his husband was referring to. And he knew why he froze up. But a part of him, a scared, vulnerable part of him, didn’t want to tell Bucky. And especially not in front of Karla. 

“I wanted to see the building, what better way than to run out like an upset triggered person?” Tony lied easily, and he could tell Bucky saw right through it, but he didn’t touch the subject again, so Tony knew he won. At least for now. 

“So where are we getting my stuffed animal from?” Bucky asked, as he turned into the bustling city traffic.

“Wait, you were being serious about that?”

Ouch, that hurt. Of course he was being serious. This might be a mission, they might be undercover, but Bucky wasn’t blind. He could tell they needed the therapy. And if it was going under SHIELD’s bill? Served them right. 

“Nah, but if we don’t get a stuffed animal, Karla’s gonna grill us and I do not want that.”

“Of course. Okay then, Jarvis, pull up the nearest toy stores.” 

“Certainly sir.”

—

Faking it was part of the job, but Tony had never realized how hard it was until he was looking at the selfies of him and Bucky at the observatory. They were cute selfies, one was Tony kissing Bucky’s blushing cheek and another was Bucky looking at him like he laid out the universe. 

But right now, Tony knew the truth. He knew this was all show, in the fakest form. And it felt wrong. Because Bucky was not a part of his fucked up job, where he lied to stay alive, and to keep others alive. Bucky wasn’t supposed to be a part of that. Bucky was real, his light even on the darkest day. He and Bucky were not agents who had to fake a relationship they had been in for years. 

“We’re here darling.” Bucky broke Tony out of his thoughts and Tony let a smile escape as Bucky squeezed the small wolf puppy in his left arm. Tony had seen it and insisted that his tall, dark, brooding husband was the perfect match for such a stuffy.

They made it up to their suite before either of them spoke again. And they didn’t say much, Bucky only excusing himself to take a shower and Tony making something up about having to call Pepper. 

—

In the shower, Bucky lost himself to his tears, trusting that the shower was loud enough for him not to be heard by Tony. 

God Tony, who hadn’t made a misstep the entire day, who had carried through the session as if he and Bucky had actually talked like adults, instead of dancing around each other the entire morning finding out they had been living a lie. 

He hadn’t _meant_ to keep SHIELD a secret for so long. Really, at first it had been nice, getting to be Bucky, let his guard down with Tony. And by the time the relationship had gotten serious, Bucky had started to get nightmares about losing Tony, to his enemies, to a mission gone wrong. He had dreams about leaving Tony and never returning. He thought by not telling Tony he had been making sure the dreams never came to fruition, but now he realized he was losing Tony just the same, this time as a direct result of his actions. 

As for the soldier, Sam from SHIELD, one of the therapists there, was helping him quiet the stupid voice. That side of him was the one that came out during any type of violence, who hovered too close to the surface when he was angry. But Bucky had never dared tell Tony. Because what if it changed things? What if Tony didn’t want him with the soldier? 

It was a clusterfuck, it always had been, lying to Tony on a weekly basis. At some point, it was going to boil over, and someone was going to get burnt. But as much as Bucky hated that Tony had lied to him, he didn’t want Tony to get burnt. He wanted to calm the boiling waters, to protect Tony like he had meant to do but failed. 

He always failed. That’s why he had lost his arm. If he had moved two seconds earlier, if he had just pushed his friend out of the way, if he had just-

The water suddenly stopped and pulled Bucky out of his panic, and Jarvis’ reassuring voice brought him back to reality. 

“Sarge. it is currently sixty four degrees out and you’re in your suite with Tony. He is finished talking with Miss Potts. I’m sure he would enjoy your company when you have dried off.”

Bucky smiled, but he shook his head. He couldn’t go to Tony right now. He had messed this all up and he knew that he would just mess it up more if he went out right now. He was too angry. At himself mostly, but Tony wouldn’t notice the difference. 

—

When Bucky finally joined him in bed, Tony made sure not to crowd him like he usually would. True to Jarvis’ coding, the faithful AI had told Tony about Bucky’s panic attack, and even though Tony had limited skills when it came to maintaining a relationship, he did know that Bucky’s would most likely want his space. 

What he wasn’t expecting was for Bucky to roll on top of him and begin kissing every inch of his skin. 

“Bucky?” 

“Shhh. Doll, shhh.” Bucky murmured, and peppered Tony’s face with more kisses, gentle nudges, and soft breaths. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, I let myself get angry and I know it’s something I need to work on.”

In response, Tony returned Bucky’s kiss and began making his own series of apologies. “Bucky, I’m so so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, I never do-“

“I know doll. Let me make you feel good.” Bucky whispered, and began to run his hands over Tony’s bare chest.

“Does this mean we don’t have to follow the coffee rule?” Tony asked, completely ruining the moment. 

“No darlin’, I’m holding you to that. It starts tomorrow.”

Tony grinned. “You won’t be able to handle me not with you for that long.”

“Watch me.”

They were silent for a stretch of time, but this time, the silence wasn’t due to stress and tension, but of loving and reverence. 

“Tony,”

“Hmm?”

“Can you tell me why you froze up at Karla’s now?”

Bucky couldn’t help it. He needed to know. He and Tony had already had so many secrets, and he didn’t want one to come between them again. But clearly, it was a mistake because Tony was pulling away from him, turning his back to Bucky. 

“It’s not you-“

“I’ve heard that before.” Bucky fumed. Why couldn’t Tony just understand that he was concerned? That he didn’t want another secret to destroy them? 

—

Bucky woke up feeling utterly exhausted. He had been in bed for almost ten hours, but he felt like he hadn’t slept at all. Of course, he had, but the small, sparse moments of sleep were interrupted by restless worry, nightmares, and a need to protect, with the soldier listing all the ways that someone could hurt Tony.

Tony has woken up exhausted as well, just Tony was better at hiding it.

 _Like everything else,_ Bucky thought bitterly, then chastised himself for thinking like that. He had messed upon the relationship too, he just didn’t have the thirty years of practice faking it that Tony had been born into. 

“I think it’ll be better if I don’t go today.” Tony said, out of the blue. 

“What?” Bucky managed to stay calm. He had to. For Winter’s sake. “But it’s marriage counseling, we’re kinda supposed to go together.”

“I can’t Bucky. Go in, tell her it was a setup from our friends, just stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I broke your fucking heart.”

“I’m sorry I don’t wear my masks as well as you do around me.”

It was a low blow, Bucky knew Tony’s lines and he hadn’t crossed it, he had used it as a marathon starting line.

He left before he had to face Tony, avoiding the opportunity to gauge his reaction. Somehow, he didn’t think he could handle it. So instead, he spent the hour he had before Karla’s driving around mindlessly through the city, not caring where he ended up as long as his thoughts were not on Tony and how badly he had messed up. 

_“I’m sorry I don’t wear my masks as well as you do around me.”_

It was a true statement, Tony knew that. But that didn’t mean it hurt less. He knew that he had snubbed Bucky the night before, but he thought that Bucky would just brush it off, like before. Clearly he was wrong. 

How did this even happen? Why did he let himself even voice his insecurities? That was a big no no, and he knew that the only way out of his hole was to either dig deeper, and shield himself, or blast out with the truth. The latter didn’t seem like a doable option, seeing how pissed Bucky had been. 

—

“Where’s Tony?” That’s the first thing that left Karla’s mouth when she greeted Bucky, alone. 

“We, uh, got into a bit of a fight.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I messed up. We were having a good time, he was happy, and then I asked about what he had stopped saying yesterday. Then he refused to talk to me and said it was better if I went alone today.”

“Whatever Tony is not saying, it is clearly something that makes him vulnerable, there’s not another reason as to why he would hide.”

“And I made a remark I shouldn’t have. Something that I should’ve never said, something that was completely over the line. If he ever looks at me again, I think I might die of guilt.” 

It was frantic, but that was how Bucky felt. He knew that even if Tony forgave him, he’d never be able to unsay those words. Years ago, when Tony had felt confident enough in their relationship, he had told Bucky about his fears, and Bucky had sworn to respect Tony, to love him for his fears and insecurities. And now, he had just stepped on them and completely lost Tony’s trust. 

“Are we going somewhere?” Bucky finally managed, remembering her remark the day before.

“No, I’ll take you guys there when you come together.”

“I mean this respectfully, but I don’t think we will. Tony’s really hurt, and I-I did that.”

“A relationship goes both ways Bucky.” Karla reminded softly, and then glanced at the clock. 

“I will spend half of your scheduled session with you and the other half with Tony. Is there a way to tell him this?”

“Jarvis?” Bucky asked, unsure of where he stood with the AI. He knew that Jarvis loved him, in the way that a disembodied character could, but he knew that at the end of the day, it was Tony who Jarvis would always stand by. 

“I will inform sir of this change.”

“Thank you.”

—

Tony parked two blocks away from the office and made sure to go in the back way. He told himself it was so he could examine the building more, but even he knew that was a lie. He was trying to avoid Bucky. 

The building had a cellar. That wasn’t weird in itself, but Tony didn’t remember ever seeing stairs. That meant that there was a trap door. The perfect way to hide people. And Karla had a huge rug in the main room, likely hiding the hatch. 

Despite trying to make himself lost in thought, Tony’s head whipped up the moment Bucky emerged, and he didn’t fail to his husband’s shoulders slumped, and his walk was one of someone utterly devastated, but still overly cautious. He didn’t deserve to always be looking over his shoulder. Tony watched as Bucky didn’t turn around, didn’t look back, but knew somehow, whether it was spy skills or a supernatural sense of each other’s presence, they knew the other was watching them. 

“Hello Tony!” Karla greeted him, causing him to jump in the air, realizing that he was not alone next to the flower bed. “I’m sorry, did I scare you?” She smiled, and then waved him over. “You coming in?”

“Yes, of course.”

Once they were seated, Karla smiled, and something put Tony on edge. Maybe it was because he was about to talk about feelings, the despicable part of life, or maybe it was his senses trying to tell him something. 

“So Tony, tell me, what is it that you wanted to say yesterday? Would it make you feel better if you told me before Bucky?”

“No it wouldn’t.” Tony all but snarled. He didn’t really mean to, just Karla was asking questions that he was in no way comfortable sharing with her. He had been to his share of shrinks, but most of them he knew for a longer period of time before they started asking questions like that. 

“Why won’t you tell Bucky?” Karla prodded. 

“It’s not necessary?” Tony gave Karla a hard look, one that could rival Natasha’s glare. “It’s never even come close to the surface and I don’t plan on admitting it if I’m not forced to. And trust me, I’ve been tortured, it’s not easy to get something out of me.”

“Mr. Stark, I know this hits too close to home by the way you’re acting, but I am just trying to help.”

“By doing what exactly?”

“By not letting another secret get in the way of a marriage already ripping at the seams.” Karla attacked, and Tony was tempted just to walk out. 

“I understand you’re trying to help, but I do not need to say anything because it doesn’t affect us.” 

“If it doesn’t affect you, why won’t you say anything?”

Crap. She had cornered him. And she had done it well, to the point where Tony actually had to think of a way to answer. 

“Don’t want to waste oxygen I suppose.” Tony finally answered nonchalantly, but Karla didn’t buy it. 

“Yet you waste oxygen every time you step onto a stage.”

“Honey, my fans wouldn’t call it wasted air. They hold onto every word as if I’m a god. And if that’s all, I’m done here.”

Tony sauntered out of the room, careful to keep his feet steady, and head held high. He had done this for years, and he sure as hell could do it again. 

“If you keep running, Bucky’s gonna stop chasing you at some point.” Karla said, just before the door closed, with a definitive thud. Something in Tony shivered as he left the building. How true were those words? 

—

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asked, as soon as Tony had left the building. 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Wanted to make sure you got here okay.” Bucky lied easily. He hadn’t left after his session, using a telescope to monitor the room. Something didn’t sit right with him in his own session, and he aimed to make sure that something didn’t happen while he was gone. 

“I just want to get out of here.” Tony mumbled, and surprise overtook him when Bucky grabbed his arm and led him to the black SUV SHIELD had issued. 

—

They had no destination in mind, so Bucky just kept driving. It had been an hour and neither of them said anything, until Bucky suddenly pulled off the road and got out of the car. They were in front of a large apple grove, and Bucky motioned for Tony to come with him. 

Locking the car, Bucky gave Tony a hard, cold glare. “We are not leaving until we talk.”

“You can’t be serious Bucky. We’re wasting time! We have a mission!”

“Mission’s fake.” Bucky grumbled, and Tony stopped in his tracks, while Bucky continued through the grove, at an alarming pace. 

“You cannot just say something like that and then walk away Barnes!”

“Barnes?” Bucky twirled around and then started closing the gap between him in what Tony could only call a murder strut. Something feral danced in his eyes. “Since when do you call me Barnes?”

“It was just a slip of tongue, Bucky.” Tony gave him a small shove and pushed him aside, not daring to look him in the eyes. “Now what is this about a fake mission?”

Bucky easily ran up and fell into step next to him. ”That's not really what I’m concerned about right now.”

Tony whirled around, and then poked Bucky on the chest. It probably did more damage to Tony’s finger than Bucky’s well defined chest, so he wasn’t really worried. “Fine! You wanna talk about how I fucked up? Sure go ahead Bucky, just lay it on me!”

“We both fucked up Tony.” Bucky’s voice came out softer than even he expected, and he reached out to grab Tony’s arm, but only fisted at the open air. 

“Really Bucky? You said it yourself. I’m the problem, I don’t sleep on schedule, I’ve been pushing you away, I drink, I lie, and-“

“Stop Tony.” Bucky pleaded, and tried to reach for Tony, again failing. “I didn’t mean those things.”

“They rolled off your tongue quick enough.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, and I’ll say it a million times. Tony please, just say something, anything I just, I don’t know what to do, Tony please.”

“Bucky. What are we supposed to do? Move on like nothing happened. I can’t do that. We’re not that good of actors.” _Even if you say I am._ The words stayed on his tongue, and burnt holes into his heart. 

“Talk to me. Go away. For real this time. No mission, no SHIELD. You and me. All the time in the world. We can heal. We can get better. Tony?”

Bucky reached for Tony's face, this time able to close the gap completely. He cupped his husband’s face in his hands. 

“I don’t think we can-“ Tony began.

“Fight for us Tony, please. I won’t stop unless you tell me to. I love you.” Bucky’s voice was heavy with fear and every second he waited for a response felt like years. 

“Okay.” Tony finally whispered into Bucky’s hand, and Bucky wanted to kiss him in relief. He held himself back though. They still had a lot to work on before he got that privilege back again. 

—

“You cannot just quit a mission because you don’t like each other.” Natasha said over the video call, and Bucky glared at her. 

“We can when it’s a fake mission.”

Bruce sputtered on the other end and Tony grinned. “How stupid are you two? It’s like you get together and lose all your collective brain cells.” 

“It’s not a fake mission. She’s said to be harboring fugitives from all over.”

“She was drinking out of a mug with the SHIELD logo on it.” Bucky deadpanned. “Care to explain that one?”

“You know, for a top secret organization, we really shouldn’t put a logo on everything we let agents take home.” Tony smirked, and Bucky hi fived him under the table.

“Why would we lie?” Bruce asked. “We possibly have a rogue agent Barnes. I might love to torture Tony, but we’re talking about a rogue agent. You guys have to bring her in.”

“That sounds like a you job. Barnes and I were assigned to go undercover as a married couple, now we have to go to real therapy.” Tony complained, and Bucky rubbed his back. 

“It’s okay darling. We’ll let them bring her in and you and I can wherever we wanna go.” Bucky’s voice dropped just enough for Bruce and Natasha’s faces to morph into shock. 

“It worked?” Bruce finally managed, and then walloped. “We did it Nat!”

“Don’t celebrate just yet.” Tony warned. “If SHIELD bothers us, I will blow up the entire helicarrier. Are we clear?”

“Crystal.” Natasha arched an eyebrow. “Enjoy your vacation boys.”

“Always.” Bucky shot her a coy grin before reaching over and shutting the laptop’s lid. 

“So, where are we going before Natasha breaks in and tries to drag us into SHIELD?” Bucky turned to Tony and smiled, knowing that was exactly what she would do. 

“Depends. Got any houses SHIELD doesn’t know about?”

Tony flashed Bucky a raised eyebrow. “SHIELD only knows six of my houses.”

“Any place warm?”

“Got an island in the Maldives.”

“Sounds good to me.” Bucky reclined in his chair. “We’re gonna have to stop somewhere and get stuff though, because if we stick around, Natasha is gonna follow us.”

“Jarvis, send our stuff to the Maldives house.” Tony winked at Bucky and then turned to his hologram. “I’m gonna make it look like we went to, hmmm, have you been to Spain?” At Bucky's shake of his head, Tony clapped. “Perfect! Jarvis, trace us to Spain. And get a pilot to fly under the table to Maldives.”

“Finished sir. Would you care for me to stock the kitchen before you arrive?”

“Yes J.”

“I love the future.” Bucky smiled before he shot out of his chair. “We got fifteen minutes tops. Depends on how many times Natasha can dodge the police, and how many distractions Bruce can make.”

“Let’s go.” 

—

The next day, in the evening, they arrived in the Maldives. Bucky spent the first hour letting Tony arrange their stuff in the room, as he scoped out the house. It was much simpler than their Malibu home, with minimal amounts of furniture and large windows that gave a 280 degree view of the ocean. A complete island, to themselves as long as they liked. That was, until Pepper dragged them back to California and they had to face SHIELD and all that. But for now, it was just them, the ocean, and hopefully, ample time to talk. 

“Want a drink?” Tony came behind Bucky and offered. Bucky shook his head. 

“What do you want then Bucky?”Tony’s voice dropped, almost hopelessly, as Bucky turned his gaze away from the horizon. 

“I want to take my husband to bed and forget everything.”

“You can do one of those things.” Tony whispered, the room dimming as he spoke. 

“Can I Tony?” Bucky drew his face closer to Tony’s. “Do I even have the right to that anymore?” 

“I never revoked your permission to.” Tony hummed, and then stood waiting as Bucky did nothing. “Bucky?”

“I said terrible things Tony. I’m not gonna act like I didn’t.” 

Tony really wanted to whine, and make Bucky forget everything that happened just so that they could have a good time, it was vacation for crying out loud! But Bucky didn’t seem like he was moving, and Tony knew it was a lost cause. 

“I had five cups of coffee today.” Tony tried. Bucky shook his head. 

“I’m not starting that until we’re in a better spot.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t think our communication is strong enough for that yet.”

Tony flinched and then turned on his heel. “I’ll be in the workshop if you need me.”

\--

After an hour, Bucky calmed himself down enough to descend to the lower level, where a smaller workshop sat. It wasn’t even half as big as the one in Malibu, but it felt like Bucky was back. That was, until he walked into the room, where no music was blaring, and the lights were dim enough for Bucky to actually have to be careful of where he stepped. 

“Tony?”

“Jarvis, I said no entry.” Tony chided, instead of answering him. 

“It’s ten Tony. I wanted to say goodnight.” Bucky stammered, “If you wanna join me, I’ll be upstairs.”

“Am I allowed to?” Tony asked, with more bite than Bucky was expecting. 

“Of course you are.”

“Do you even want me in bed with you? Because you’ve made it clear you’re not taking me to bed.”

“It’s not-” Bucky wanted to roar in frustration. “I don’t deserve to share the same bed as you. I don’t deserve to tease you, to punish you for your coffee addiction. I don’t deserve you Tony.” 

“And who decided you would get to make that decision?” Tony swiveled around, and looked Bucky dead in his grey eyes. “Because I don’t remember giving you permission to decide what is worthy of me!”

Bucky held out his arms, the metal one falling raggedly against his side. Him, with all his baggage, with the soldier. “Fine then. Tony, am I worthy of you?”

Silence hung in the air before Tony opened his mouth to speak. “It’s you Bucky, it’s always been you.”

“Then what are we doing wrong?”

“I don’t know.” Tony sighed, and fell into his chair. He couldn’t fix this with gadgets, gifts, or throw his money at the problem. And perhaps that was why this was so hard. He was a fixer, if he saw a problem he found a way for it to be fixed, whether that be through forging metal suits, building better tactical gear, or building a whole another sentiment being to protect everything from crashing down. Except, he had no idea how to build supports for his marriage that was slowly crumpling to the ground. No blueprints, nobody to consult, and the only way out was to run. But he didn’t want to run. “I’ll be in bed once I finish this for Pepper.” Tony dismissed Bucky with a wave of his hand and a swivel of his chair, this time he was determined not to let his fears about his relationship get in the way of his work.

\--

Bucky felt the bed dip when Tony joined him, and he turned himself around so he was facing Tony. “Hey doll.” 

“Go back to sleep Buck, I’m okay.”

“I’m not.” Bucky said hoarsely, and Tony stopped pulling the comforter and stared at Bucky’s still form in bed. 

“Are you sick, did you get hurt?”

“Depends on if a shattered heart is considered an injury.” Bucky mumbled, and then hid his face under the covers. “Just forget I said anything.”

Tony crawled into bed and rolled onto his side, facing Bucky. “I can’t fix a broken heart. I-I don’t know how to.” 

Bucky suddenly kicked the covers off his face and turned so he was facing Tony, propping himself up on one shoulder. “Is that what this is about? You think you’re supposed to fix this?”

Tony looked at him quizzically. “I’m the mechanic, isn’t that my job?”

“No, honey, no.” Bucky finally was starting to understand and it hurt, because he knew that was his fault. Tony would always think it was his job to fix and make things better, but the task was not completely on his shoulders. “We’re supposed to work together to fix it. Like Karla said, unity.” 

“Karla is a double agent.” Tony pointed out, only to see Bucky laughing. 

“Doesn’t mean she was completely wrong Tony.”

Tony’s face turned somber again. “You shouldn’t have to fix your own heart Bucky. Not when I held the hammer that broke it.”

Bucky inches closer to Tony, and then whispered softly, as if someone would hear him. “I bet your heart is shattered too, and if we looked close enough, my hammer did it.” 

“No Bucky you couldn’t.”

“You always see me as perfect doll.” Bucky sighed. “And I’m not, and that’s hurting you even more. Because every hit I take on your heart, you keep blaming on you.” 

“You couldn’t hurt me.” Tony smiled, but it was bittersweet, and Bucky didn’t return the gesture. 

“I can, and I did.” Bucky huffed, coming even closer. “And nothing is gonna be solved until you start accepting that I did.”

“I yelled at you. Isn’t that proof enough?” 

Bucky looked at him delicately, and then shook his head. “You were yelling at yourself. We both know that.”

“Bucky.” Tony squirmed, which meant that Bucky was right and he was trying to get away. 

“Say it.” 

“Say what?”

“Bucky, you hurt me when you lied, and I’m upset with you.” Bucky prompted, only for Tony to refuse. 

Finally, after Bucky’s long hard stare, Tony opened his mouth. “Bucky, I know you lied, but I love-“

“That’s not the script darling.” Bucky hummed, and inched close enough that his arm was against his husband’s. 

“And, you didn’t mean to, but you...hurt me.” 

Bucky didn’t expect for that to sucker punch him in the gut, but it did, and he didn’t try to hide the wince. Tony immediately noticed and made a sort of choking sound as he wrapped himself around Bucky, whispering apologies as if they were a religion. 

“Your turn.” Tony whispered in his ear. Bucky froze. Anything he said Tony would take to heart the wrong way. 

“Tony, when you lied, it hurt me. It upset me and I’m still working on forgiving you.” 

Tony looked like he was on the verge of tears and Bucky quickly wrapped his arms around Tony’s shaking figure. “Shhh, honey, I know. We’re gonna get through this.” By this point Tony was thrashing against him, tears pooling on the sides of his eyes. 

“I’m sorry!” Tony sobbed. “I’m soo so sorry.” 

“Tony.” Bucky tried to be soothing, but it was hard when his own body was shaking in fear. He didn’t know what to do, and it freaked him out. “Just let me hold you.” 

Tony stilled in his arms, but still shook like a small boy who was afraid of getting punished. Bucky scowled at the thought. This was how Tony had been in the beginning of their relationship, he shouldn’t have to feel that way now. Not after three years of marriage. 

When Tony wiped his own eyes, sniffed up his tears, and gave Bucky a sad smile, Bucky swore his stomach churned. “It’s okay Bucky, I’m okay.” 

“No you’re not.” Bucky growled softly against Tony’s collarbone, not angry but frustrated. Upset that Tony kept digging a hole deeper and deeper when Bucky had the goddamn ladder right with him. 

Instead of responding, Tony wrapped his legs around Bucky’s waist and began kissing him senseless. For minutes, the room was silent except for the occasional huff of air. Bucky almost lost himself to the intensity that Tony kissed, the way they fit so perfectly together. 

“No Tony.” Bucky rolled off him, and it physically pained him to. He loved Tony underneath him, loved to watch him fall apart. 

“What?” Tony asked, his face crestfallen and eyes sparkling with a look of betrayal. 

“I don’t wanna just fuck and forget. I want to make sweet love to you and think of nothing but you. I can’t do that right now.” 

Tony tensed up, and then he turned so his head was looking at the ceiling. “You wanted to know what I wanted to say at Karla’s?”

“What?” 

“Romantic gestures...they’re not my thing. You know that.” 

“Yeah?”

“I tried Bucky.” Tony felt a tear slide down his face. “Nobody ever wanted what I gave them. So I kept doing bigger and bigger.” That was why he bought the bunny, because people always wanted the big gestures. “The only thing I could give them that wasn’t SI, power, or money was-“ Tony stopped suddenly and hid his face in Bucky’s shoulder. 

“Was what Tony?” Bucky whispered into Tony’s fluffy hair. 

“My body.” Tony whispered, barely loud enough for Bucky to hear, even though they were right next to each other. 

“Oh no Tony.” Bucky shafted so he could cup Tony’s face in his hands. “Tony, you realize-“ Bucky stopped, realizing that whatever he was about to say, to tell Tony he didn’t believe was almost useless, because while he didn’t believe them, Tony did. “I love you. Everything about you. Even the agent part. I love every inch of you, but Tony.” His voice was strained with emotion and he hoped Tony was listening. “You never have to give me your body unless you absolutely want to.”

That last part made an unpleasant thought pop into his head. All the times they had fucked, made love, or spent the entire day just enjoying each other’s bodies. Did he truly have Tony’s consent? Or had Tony simply been trying to please him in the only way he was taught? Oh god, he was going to be sick. 

Bucky gulped and then pulled Tony up so he could look at his hazel eyes. “When we talked about gestures...oh Tony, I didn’t know.” Bucky wanted to cry, he didn’t know that Tony would have taken it that way, and that was the last thing he had wanted. 

“I know. I never said anything.” Tony brushed a strand of Bucky’s wayward hair out of his eyes and looked up. “It’s not your fault.”

“Why?” Bucky choked. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Tony looked guilty for a second, before he put his head down, so Bucky couldn’t make eye contact with him. “I was scared. It’s how I lost my virginity. To Ty. I thought you wouldn’t want me.” Tony sounded like a small child, and Bucky had the urge to take him, run away, and never be found again. As amazing as that sounded, Bucky did not want to face an angry Pepper. 

“No, no, no. Tony.” Bucky buried his nose in Tony’s hair, letting his body go lax against Tony. “I want you. Want all of you. No matter what.” 

“And I want you.” Tony whispered, curling into Bucky, letting himself be held, when usually he’d be bickering about the fact that cuddling did not make him any less manly. 

In utter exhaustion, they feel asleep, a pile of tangled limbs, surrounded by pillows soaked with tears. But they knew that they had gotten over the first hill. With determination and teamwork, they could get past this stretch.

—

“Good morning.” Bucky drawled, as Tony shifted in his arms. Right here, right now, this was bliss. 

Tony slowly pried his eyes open. “Bucky? Hi.” 

Bucky chuckled before he sat up. “Hi. Feel rested?”

“Haven’t slept like that in a while.” Tony mumbled, and then quickly corrected himself. “It’s not your fault.”

Even though Bucky logically knew it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t help but blame himself. Four weeks before this, he had been in Istanbul chasing down a weapon unit missing. Then, that next week had been filled with SI meetings. Their schedules never aligned, and the fact that they were here right now, was because they had all but run away from their respective jobs. All he could do right now, was enjoy the time he did have. 

“Neither have I,” Bucky decided on a response. 

“What do you wanna do today?”

“Depends. I could throw you in the ocean.” Bucky teased, “Or you could catch up on SI things, while I make us a nice breakfast?”

“Or…” Tony slid up to him coyly. “We could spend the day in bed.” 

As hard as it was to refuse, Bucky shook his head and playfully pushed Tony. “Not now. Let’s eat breakfast.”

“I like sausage.” Tony teased, only for Bucky to get out of bed and roll his eyes. 

“Too bad. I’m feeling like it’s more of a bacon type day.” Bucky smiled and threw a pillow at Tony, before pulling on a pair of shorts and exiting the room shirtless, which Tony counted as unfair.

\--

“I thought you were just going to toss me in the water, not lift me over your head and chuck me.” Tony complained, while Bucky just smiled. 

“Sorry, did I not make that clear?”

“Your version of flirting is terrible.” 

“Hooked you pretty well.”

“I don’t know how Natasha ever thought your flirting would get somewhere in this mission.” Tony shot back, only to realize what he had said. Suddenly, he sat down next to Bucky and looked him in the eye. “Would you have flirted with them? If your partner wasn’t me?” 

Bucky shot him an apologetic look. “Woulda had to. To keep up appearances. Obviously I wouldn’t sleep with them, but...Tony, wouldn’t you?”

“I flirt on autopilot. Even if I didn’t mean to, I'm pretty sure half of what I say could be taken that way.” 

“Then I’m glad it’s just you and me for miles.” Bucky grinned, and then kissed Tony’s bare collarbone. 

“I was thinking. We don’t want to go public, but what if we just told SHIELD? Maybe we could be partners. Like Nat and Bruce. Clint and Agent.”

“You mean Phil?” 

“His first name is not Agent?” Tony whipped around and Bucky broke out into a fit of laughter. 

“No honey, it’s Phil.” 

“Well, do you think SHIELD would let us be like them?”

“If not, we blackmail them into it.” Bucky agreed. “Although, Steve’s gonna be the only single one other than Thor, but he’s in Asgard right now.”

“You got to meet Thor? I thought Clint was lying!”

“Oh man. You’ve gotta meet Thor. You’re gonna love him. He’s like a big retriever dog.”

“Well then, I guess we got to plan a party when we get back.” Tony paused. “When do we get back?”

“Until I can tell you I love you and you’re able to tell it’s the truth without feeling guilty.” 

“What about you?”

“When I’m ready, you’ll know.” Bucky’s eyes darkened slightly. “Trust me.”

“I do.”

\--

For two weeks they had stayed on the island, taking walks, swimming, fooling around with science, and most importantly, talking. 

Neither of them had realized how much they needed it until it had been all but the only option to salvage what they had. But now, they were even better. They both knew that their time alone would be ending, but that was probably for the best, as Pepper called over three times a day to talk with Tony about various SI concerns, and it was becoming unnerving.

On the other hand, it was bliss. Tony and Bucky had spent each day talking about things that they had never dared to tell each other by this point. Each of them were so openly honest that Tony was pretty sure he was scrubbed clean. If he had an actual shirk, they’d be proud of him for the amount of emotional communication he had in the past two weeks.

\--

It had been bound to happen. Tony finding out about the soldier. It ended up happening the dead of night, when Tony found himself literally tossed off the bed and into the closet. 

“Uh, Buck?”

“Mission. Keep Stark safe.” His husband’s eyes were empty, almost lifeless. He held Tony with an iron grip, while his metal arm gripped a gun-wait, where had he gotten that in such little time?

“I’m safe, we’re-“

A hand clapped over his mouth and the man, who Tony could barely see as his husband right now stood up and motioned for him to be quiet. 

“Stay.”

Tony could only nod as Bucky picked up his gun and cocked it, ready for whatever he thought was behind, or in this case, in front of the door. 

“Jarvis?” Tony whispered, as soon as Bucky had left the closet. “Buddy, talk to me.”

“It seems Bucky is being controlled by a second personality sir.”

Tony fell silent. There was no way that was true. He had been married to Bucky for three goddamn years! He would’ve known this...right?

“Buck?” 

The man, the personality, controlling Tony’s husband came closer and gave him the coldest glare Tony had ever been on the receiving end of. “You’re not safe.”

“We’re in the Maldives Bucky, or whatever you like to be called. Nobody knows we’re here. Well, other than Pepper, but like, nobody would get info from her.”

“Compromised.” The man insisted. 

“We’re safe. I’m safe. Where’s Bucky?”

“Bucky can’t protect like I can.”

“Really? Because I hear he’s a super spy.” Tony couldn’t help but smile, and the man just gave a growl. 

“I’m the spy. Bucky’s the husband. He just takes the credit.”

“Oh he does?” Amused, Tony decided to dig deeper. “And does he know this?”

“Bastard’s proud of it.” 

“That sounds like Bucky. But as you can see, there’s no threat, and I really need to talk to Bucky, if you don’t mind.”

Tony watched as light started to flicker in his husband’s eyes, while the man just looked confused. 

“I had a talk with a certain soldier just a moment ago.”

“I promise I wanted to tell you-“ Bucky was cut off by Tony’s reassuring smile. 

“You take all the credit Buck? Is that really fair? Now tell me more about him.”

For the next hour, Tony coaxed Bucky to complete relaxation as Bucky told him all about his split personality, and about the progress he had made with Sam regarding the soldier. He told him about Hydra, about the chair, about the abuse. And oh gosh had he cried. Sobbed in Tony’s arms, as the smaller man simply held him close, reminding him that he wasn’t back there. 

And for the first time in years, Bucky slept without fear of the soldier. Knowing that he was known and loved. Both parts of him were. 

\--

“Stop that.” Bucky growled, and Tony’s eyes shot up.

“Stop what?” Tony asked, confused to what Bucky meant. 

“Stop licking that popsicle.” Bucky ordered, his voice low and almost predatory, the soldier in the forefront of his mind. Tony just grinned and sucked on the popsicle even more. 

When he was done, he looked up with his bambi eyes and gave Bucky a smile. “What? Am I bothering you?”

Bucky remained silent until Tony’s popsicle was done, and the moment the genius threw away the stick, Bucky pounced and lifted Tony off the ground, slinging him on his shoulder. 

When he got to their bed, he all but dropped his husband on it, and crawled on top. “You’re a tease Tony Stark. And I’m gonna tease you until you can’t speak.” 

“Please.” Tony begged, and Bucky ran a hand over his cheek. 

“Just one thing.” Bucky murmured. “Repeat after me.” Tony nodded enthusiastically. “Bucky loves me no matter what.”

Tony pauses for a moment and then looked up at Bucky, who’s eyes had changed from fiercely aroused to lovingly soft. And then, he knew he could say the worlds and believe them. “Bucky loves me no matter what.”

Bucky hummed against Tony’s neck before he spoke again. “And now I’m gonna prove it to you honey. Love you so much doll.”

“Love you too Bucky.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY [BESTIE!](https://tumblr.com/blog/eylle9) Go say Happy Bday to her on Tumblr^ (if you don’t I’ll find you and...I’m not sure yet, so just do it. Now.)
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr!](http://crazyinfj.tumblr.com/). Comments and kudos are love!


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